Hi guys! I'm Edna, 17 and I'm from Vietnam :)
Please check out my essay and tell me what should be improved. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated and thanks in advance :x
Multicultural societies are becoming more and more popular due to increasing globalization. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of living and working in a multicultural society. (Write an essay of 300 words and support your position with specific examples.)
Multiculturalism is where a variety of many different ethnic groups live together within the same society. In a multicultural society, there is not an official culture that every person must be a part of but all cultures are respected equally. In general, a multicultural society is formed when people from many different countries all migrate to one place. So what are the positive sides and what are the negative ones when living and working in a multicultural society?
Through multiculturalism, we have opened our minds and have had the opportunities to expose to many different things. Plus the country has benefits from it economically in many ways. What is more, living in such a society makes people more tolerant of each other, even if they are from very different backgrounds. Moreover, in a multicultural society, individuals are able to practice any religion they choose. They can wear what they want, eat what they like and can be able to practice their customs.
However, living in a country with different cultural values you are likely to experience conflicting beliefs. Futhermore, everything we see around us has been influenced in some ways by different cultures - our clothes, daily routine, music, food, art, sport are all as they have been mixed without distinctive cultural features.
In conclusion, there will always be those who claim that multiculturalism has taken away a particular national identity. To my mind, national identity is never fixed and everyone has their own integration of what belongs to their nations. And globalization means that it is clearly better for individuals to be familiar with different cultures.
Here are a few suggestions....
there is not an official culture that every person must be a part of but all cultures are respected equally
.... saying "official culture" doesn't seem to sound too good. Try rephrasing the sentence like this.
There is no prominent culture in this kind of society. All cultures are respected equally and everyone is a part of each culture.
So what are the positive sides and the negative ones when living and working in a multicultural society?
... Try to keep questions inside the essay short.
Through multiculturalism, we have opened our minds and have had the opportunities to expose to many different things.
... There are a few grammar mistakes in this sentence.
Through multiculturalism, we have the opportunity to expose ourselves to many different things. This would enrich our knowledge about the world. ... I take that by saying "opened our minds" you are referring to the knowledge one has about the world.
Overall you have done a good job. Hope my suggestions are of use to you. :)
I thought the essay was thoughtful!
And also, can you please check my essay also? It'll be greatly appreciated! :]
Thank you so much for your feedback Pahan ^^ Those will help me a lot in getting higher marks :D
:D no problem. If you rewrite the essay please post it here. I'm very happy to help you. As I said before you have pointed out some very good ideas, but i think its presentation you need to improve on. Keep on writing so and you will get better and better. And always try to enjoy it. :D
Hope you get high marks for your exam.
Good luck. (Y)
Er... i'm not so interested in writing essays cause' I find it hard to arrange the ideas.
I spent 2days writing for this essay you know :))
But writing is a very important skill you know :D
You cannot master it without practicing :D .... Read good essays as Dumi often suggests to the guys who practice for TOEFL and IELTS. It helps a lot!
Don't let your good ideas go waste... Pen them down; rather type them here and post ... I will keep helping you!
Cheer up my friend! :D
Dumi?? Who's that?
By the way, like the " I will keep helping you " Lol
Dumi?? Who's that?
That's me :D
I think you can combine some sentences together to make it smoother.
And is it possible if we use a question in an essay?
Oh hi ^^ So happy to hear from you :D
Hope you do care about some of my essays if you have time and.... :) glad to know you :x
(btw, r u Pahan's teacher??)
(btw, r u Pahan's teacher??)
Well... we are both from Sri Lanka and know each other well : )
What is the exam you are preparing for? It's better to know because each exam has its specific requirements with regard to essay structure. The best way to earn marks is to follow that particular structure well : )
Hope to see more threads from you!
Er...it's like an International Exam ( 10 students from many regions within Vietnam will take part in this battle haha )
You know this exam is based on the IELTS and we have to go through 4 sections ( I mean Listening, Speaking, Reading & Writing.... And I'm extremely bad at Writing @@ )
I'm gonna take it next year - at the beginning of January.
You know I used to be very worried about this examination but....not anymore because I have you from the back haha ( Am I using correctly?? I mean the phrase " from the back " :)) )
You know I used to be very worried about this examination but....not anymore because I have you from the back haha ( Am I using correctly?? I mean the phrase " from the back " :))
Of course we will back you :D .... this phrase is right :D
"I have you with me " is more appropriate :D
English is a passive language... Most of our Asian languages are not passive.... therefore for us, English sentences start from the reverse :D
"I back you" and "you stand right behind me" .... that's how it goes
Let's respect diversity of all forms :D .... Whether it's cultural, linguistic, racial, religious etc.etc.... After all we are human!
Thanks for all :)
I will give you more ideas..
It will enrich the artists. Stimilates innovation and creativity.
Country will be a fav. Destination of tourists.
If minority groups rights are neglected, it may lead to conflict.
May reduce the wages of employees, leaving local residents unemployed.
Thank you so much for your supporting ideas :) I'll put that in my essays :)
Make your own sentance and use the ideas
There are many benefits of living in a diverse society
By admin In Sociology Essay On June 29, 2017
Diversity means recognising that everyone is different in some way. Importantly this also means ‘valuing’ the difference. We can say that we live in a multicultural society. This means that there are people from different countries and backgrounds are all living together, even though some people are not diverse towards each other. It does not stop us from living from a multicultural society. There are many benefits of living in a diverse society and in this essay I will be introducing different types of social and cultural benefits.
Firstly, when having a large society, large communities, and different types of food, is an excellent way to get the taste of other countries. There are many different types of food which originate in different countries. It is important however, to know what countries food you are tasting, to see if you like it or not. Many people that are Hindu, Muslim and so on have their own foods and their own ingredient. Sometimes food doesn’t taste the same as it would in the country that it originates from. For example, a family want to make pizza in Britain, it may taste delicious but it wouldn’t taste as it would in Italy. The reason for this is because in Italy they use different types of ingredients and they also have different types of crops growing and for those reasons the dish has a different taste. Furthermore, over the years people from different countries use their natives’ ingredients to create more different types of food and this is why in the modern world there are many different colourful different types of dishes which did not exist 50 – 70 years back.
In the modern society we can look at different cultures such as Italy, being famous for producing pizza which is known not only in Britain but world wide.
Also Mexico There is a huge variety of food grown in Mexico. The main crop of the country is corn. Tortillas have corn in them so they are eaten with every meal. Even though beans aren’t made of corn, they are still eaten at every meal. There are some similar and some different traditions between the United States and Mexico. In the United States families have parties in honour of holidays and special events, like birthdays. Also corn is a major crop in both countries.
The Japanese eat a lot of fish, but Buddhist adults are not allowed to eat fish. The main crop is tea. The Japanese eat a lot of rice as well. The most popular food is sushi; it is rice with vegetables and raw fish wrapped in seaweed. The farms are planted under mountains. Japan has a wide variety of food.
One of the main ways of being diverse is looking in to other religions work of art. This is an easy way to get an insight of other countries. The reason for this is because in the modern society there are many different plays in theatres as well as different festival stories, books and movies. Getting to know countries through art could be one of the easiest ways to understand them. If you want to watch a movie and they are in a different language they will always have subtitles allowing the nation get in to the movie. Movies are not aimed at only one religion, the same can be said for theatres there are many theatres which make drama about the history which allows people to understand how live was and how the old aged society evolved to what it is now.
The arts can prove helpful to the work of a health and social care professional as they can provide some insight into the cultures and beliefs of other societies. They can help you to understand the needs and wants of people from backgrounds other than you own. Learning about ‘the arts’ is a good way to understand and appreciate difference.
Education focuses on every individual, student are now made to learn about other religions this is called Religious Education, this is a compulsory subject whom has to be taken in high school. Some students may not enjoy the subject, but when it comes down to talking about their own religion and background they tend to enjoy it. Learning about other religions in a small group allows, students from other religions talking about festivals and history, face to face. This allows debate to arise, as this is being conducted the students then get to compare religions and see how situations are different in other religions. For example, when it is the month of ‘Ramadan’ Muslims have to go through the month by fasting and only eating before sunrise and after sunset. Hindu’s however, fast once every 2months. This allows both religions to interact with each other.
The celebration of tradition and culture is now seen on all syllabuses in on form or another. Celebrating different cultures happens annually at high school, primary school, college and university. This shows it doesn’t matter how old a student is, they will never be old enough to get involved with other religions. Celebrating festivals can be expressed in many different ways, there could be stage shows, and many colleges introduce ‘International Evening’ where different religions have music from their culture or different dances. Now a day’s high schools allow 3months to learn different languages taught by different teachers, and the language that the students enjoy the most is the language they get to pick to do at a GCSE level.
The inclusion of equality, rights and diversity in the training and development of health and social care workers has seen huge improvements in the way individuals are treated and cared for by those workers. Most organisations include training on equal opportunities as part of their induction process.
Having a diverse society enables you to have many different languages in the vicinity which means many different ethnic groups get the chance to mingle with out ethnic groups. For example many Algerians from Algeria have adapted to speaking fluent French so they can interact with there across shore community the south of France. Other language users bring additional benefits. For example, having the opportunity to live and work with people from other countries and cultural backgrounds offers everyone the chance to learn something new and different.
Cultural enrichment benefits the diverse society because it helps the society learn that racism or being prejudice towards different people because of their colour or race, this lead to the society having high level tolerance.
In order to appreciate other people’s religions we have to tolerate their belief. Some people may not want anything to do with religion but this doesn’t mean they can tell others not to believe in religion. Tolerating other people views means having respect for what they do in religion. Understanding other peoples view is very important. If I may not want to get involved with the Muslim culture for example, I wouldn’t allow Muslim people not to talk about their religion. Each religion has a different view; tolerating each view brings religion closer together.
Social cohesion means sticking together, People in the modern society now stick together as a group. You can see African people and Indian, as well as Japanese people all staying together as a group. It doesn’t matter what the background is. The main point is getting known each others background. Large communities can now get together and express their feelings from different views and backgrounds.
A further benefit from diversity is economically. Immigration is leading the labour workforce. This is because immigrants who don’t get paid enough are willing to do any kind of low paid job, such as toilet cleaning, window cleaning. Many immigrants bring good things into the country such as new technology from Japan, China new cars from Italy and Germany. In terms of health and social care, the economic benefits of diversity can be seen through the knowledge and practice that new practitioners bring into the country.
From this essay I can conclude, that having a multicultural society is beneficial to us in many different ways. Firstly, with out the arts in there would be no theatre plays, we wouldn’t know about what really happened on Diwali and Eid, but thanks to the modern arts we know what it means. Trying different types of food from different countries is an excellent way to get to know other countries, as you can find out what the native crops are. The source of education is important to every student as for those who don’t want to know about religion have to find out about it as now a days subject like religious studies is compulsory, also the fact that learning a language could been you could visit the home country and speak face to face with others.
I believe, it may be hard for people to get to know other religions but being tolerant to each other allows individuals get involved with other religions more easily as it opens up doors. Overall, social cohesion is what it all comes down to, sticking together as a group in society. The modern world would not be what it is without people not being able to allow themselves into other religions.
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